Movies - The Good, the Bad, and the Awful

I don't have an issue with bad movies - I've watched too many of them to be able to do that. For instance, during one exceptionally cold winter, my friend Melissa and I saw every lousy film that came out during the traditional movie wasteland months of January and February. "Beverly Hills Ninja," "Daylight," "Volcano," and "Dante's Peak" (not actually that bad, for the genre) are among the titles I remember (and let's not even comment on "Anaconda").

During an unfortunate period of interest in Val Kilmer, I saw "The Island of Dr. Moreau" remake. Four times. In the theater. Full price tickets. Mercifully, a stomach virus ended that pattern. I am also probably one of the very few people who actually saw the Richard Grieco movie (does anyone remember him? According to him he was going to be "hot for the next seven years..." I think he was around for about seven minutes) "If Looks Could Kill." (Never heard of it? There are many good reasons. Grieco himself among them.)

Back in the early 90's, Charlie Sheen made a movie called "Courage Mountain." If I remember correctly, it was a very strange remake of "Heidi," and Sheen played the classic character Peter to a teenaged unknown's Heidi. I don't know how, but I convinced my friend Cynara to go see it with me (she also sat through "If Looks Could Kill." She was a shockingly patient friend).

That went about as well as you can probably imagine. And this was many years BEFORE the "Violent Torpedo of Truth" tour. I remember three things about that movie:

1. Charlie Sheen's "Peter" went off to "war" (in Switzerland?); evidently they had a low costume budget, because he wore a completely different uniform than any one else in the movie;

2. The editing was so bad that several "dead" extras were seen moving around in the background;

3. There was a crazy guy sitting two rows ahead of us who REALLY enjoyed the movie.

I also voluntarily rented "Dinner for Shmucks" (a horrible remake of the classic French comedy, "The Dinner Guest"), "Wicker Park," "Hollywood Homicide," "GI Joe," (okay, that one was worth it because of Byung-Hun Lee - that's a post in itself), and many more.

So what makes "Skyline" different?

a - It "stars" Eric Balfour.

b - The aliens come to earth for the specific purpose of sucking out human brains and planting them in ... robot versions of the aliens? That's never really made clear.

c - There's no actual ending. Did they run out of film? Money? Paper? Electricity (for the laptop)?

This movie appears to have had a fairly decent budget, and the special effects are not terrible. But seriously, these aliens, who clearly have superior technology (at one point, they're nuked by the Army, fall apart, and then put themselves back together), come to EARTH for brains?

Shouldn't they have done some reconnaissance work first? Because if I had that kind of technology and power, I wouldn't want to take the chance of ending up with super-powerful robots running around with the brains of, say, the cast of "Jersey Shore," "The Bachelor/Bachelorette," "Charlie Sheen," or anybody else involved in any of the movies I listed above.

Aliens in movies: Just as dumb as the rest of us.

The Things We Never Say

I discovered something this past weekend: I'm a kind person, but I'm definitely not a nice person. I say this because I've actually thought all the things below (MEAN), but (most of the time) I never actually say them (nice?):

1. Your baby is so cute - I'm shocked!

2. You're so brave... for wearing that in public.

3. It's not you, it's me. I really, really hate you.

4. At your age you shouldn't be wasting time having arguments with random strangers about who bumped your elbow, who was on line first, or who should get out of your way on a jampacked train. Unless that's what you want on your obituary.

5. I love your stories. They remind me that things could be worse - I could be you.

6. You are a great example of why I hate people and love animals.

7. If everybody got what they deserved, you'd be under a tank right now.

8. I was just wondering what you'd look like ... at the bottom of a flight of stairs. After I pushed you.

9. Thank you for proving my argument that, for some people, birth control should be mandatory. For example, your parents.

10. Blowing your head off wouldn't change anything. It's not like you use it.

Insert your own here. Or don't. And get your own blog.

Where Have I Been All This Time?

No, really, I'm asking... where have I been?

Back in July I was let go from my crappy dead-end job (which made me happy), but never told my cowardly bosses what I really thought of them (which still makes me mad); then I became a nanny for the summer and spent my first summer in YEARS outdoors, getting tan and losing weight (finally) and chasing two to three wonderful kids all over New York City.

I went to the beach, I went to Central Park, I went to the children's museum in Brooklyn. Then the kids and their parents went to Australia for six months, and everything after that is a blur. I'm working again, which is great, because not working doesn't pay the rent (nor does it pay for cat food, cat litter, groceries, etc.).

But now spring is coming back around, and at this time of year I always get a little crazy/restless/loopy/anxious/hopeful/daydreamy/bored/excited/hungry. And suddenly I found myself wondering: WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN ALL THIS TIME?

I never made it to the Metropolitan Museum like I planned. I haven't been to a movie by myself in ages. I haven't read a really good book in months. I haven't written anything - never mind anything I liked - in ages. I'm 34 years old, I haven't traveled yet, I haven't finished the one book I desperately need to finish if I'm ever going to sleep all the way through the night, I haven't learned enough or read enough or thought enough, and heaven knows I haven't written enough.

It's spring again, and it's time for my annual panic attack. So I'm going to set some little goals for myself, baby steps, little things, really, and after that I'm going to ask for suggestions.

1. Finish the first draft of my novel (in progress for at least the last 10 years)

2. Go to the Met Museum by myself for no reason (ie. no visiting out-of-town guests to drag along)

3. Find a new book that ISN'T a mystery

4. Take a weekend trip (haven't done that in years) by myself (haven't done that EVER)

5. Blog regularly (at least once a week)

Now I need suggestions, and I'll take anything - what do those of you who, unlike me, haven't been living in their own vacuum for the past 34 years, suggest I do this spring/summer to widen my mind and broaden my horizons?

I'll take anything you've got. I'm not saying I'll do it, but I could sure use some inspiration.

And chocolate. Send me chocolate.