Movies - The Good, the Bad, and the Awful

I don't have an issue with bad movies - I've watched too many of them to be able to do that. For instance, during one exceptionally cold winter, my friend Melissa and I saw every lousy film that came out during the traditional movie wasteland months of January and February. "Beverly Hills Ninja," "Daylight," "Volcano," and "Dante's Peak" (not actually that bad, for the genre) are among the titles I remember (and let's not even comment on "Anaconda").

During an unfortunate period of interest in Val Kilmer, I saw "The Island of Dr. Moreau" remake. Four times. In the theater. Full price tickets. Mercifully, a stomach virus ended that pattern. I am also probably one of the very few people who actually saw the Richard Grieco movie (does anyone remember him? According to him he was going to be "hot for the next seven years..." I think he was around for about seven minutes) "If Looks Could Kill." (Never heard of it? There are many good reasons. Grieco himself among them.)

Back in the early 90's, Charlie Sheen made a movie called "Courage Mountain." If I remember correctly, it was a very strange remake of "Heidi," and Sheen played the classic character Peter to a teenaged unknown's Heidi. I don't know how, but I convinced my friend Cynara to go see it with me (she also sat through "If Looks Could Kill." She was a shockingly patient friend).

That went about as well as you can probably imagine. And this was many years BEFORE the "Violent Torpedo of Truth" tour. I remember three things about that movie:

1. Charlie Sheen's "Peter" went off to "war" (in Switzerland?); evidently they had a low costume budget, because he wore a completely different uniform than any one else in the movie;

2. The editing was so bad that several "dead" extras were seen moving around in the background;

3. There was a crazy guy sitting two rows ahead of us who REALLY enjoyed the movie.

I also voluntarily rented "Dinner for Shmucks" (a horrible remake of the classic French comedy, "The Dinner Guest"), "Wicker Park," "Hollywood Homicide," "GI Joe," (okay, that one was worth it because of Byung-Hun Lee - that's a post in itself), and many more.

So what makes "Skyline" different?

a - It "stars" Eric Balfour.

b - The aliens come to earth for the specific purpose of sucking out human brains and planting them in ... robot versions of the aliens? That's never really made clear.

c - There's no actual ending. Did they run out of film? Money? Paper? Electricity (for the laptop)?

This movie appears to have had a fairly decent budget, and the special effects are not terrible. But seriously, these aliens, who clearly have superior technology (at one point, they're nuked by the Army, fall apart, and then put themselves back together), come to EARTH for brains?

Shouldn't they have done some reconnaissance work first? Because if I had that kind of technology and power, I wouldn't want to take the chance of ending up with super-powerful robots running around with the brains of, say, the cast of "Jersey Shore," "The Bachelor/Bachelorette," "Charlie Sheen," or anybody else involved in any of the movies I listed above.

Aliens in movies: Just as dumb as the rest of us.

The Things We Never Say

I discovered something this past weekend: I'm a kind person, but I'm definitely not a nice person. I say this because I've actually thought all the things below (MEAN), but (most of the time) I never actually say them (nice?):

1. Your baby is so cute - I'm shocked!

2. You're so brave... for wearing that in public.

3. It's not you, it's me. I really, really hate you.

4. At your age you shouldn't be wasting time having arguments with random strangers about who bumped your elbow, who was on line first, or who should get out of your way on a jampacked train. Unless that's what you want on your obituary.

5. I love your stories. They remind me that things could be worse - I could be you.

6. You are a great example of why I hate people and love animals.

7. If everybody got what they deserved, you'd be under a tank right now.

8. I was just wondering what you'd look like ... at the bottom of a flight of stairs. After I pushed you.

9. Thank you for proving my argument that, for some people, birth control should be mandatory. For example, your parents.

10. Blowing your head off wouldn't change anything. It's not like you use it.

Insert your own here. Or don't. And get your own blog.

Where Have I Been All This Time?

No, really, I'm asking... where have I been?

Back in July I was let go from my crappy dead-end job (which made me happy), but never told my cowardly bosses what I really thought of them (which still makes me mad); then I became a nanny for the summer and spent my first summer in YEARS outdoors, getting tan and losing weight (finally) and chasing two to three wonderful kids all over New York City.

I went to the beach, I went to Central Park, I went to the children's museum in Brooklyn. Then the kids and their parents went to Australia for six months, and everything after that is a blur. I'm working again, which is great, because not working doesn't pay the rent (nor does it pay for cat food, cat litter, groceries, etc.).

But now spring is coming back around, and at this time of year I always get a little crazy/restless/loopy/anxious/hopeful/daydreamy/bored/excited/hungry. And suddenly I found myself wondering: WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN ALL THIS TIME?

I never made it to the Metropolitan Museum like I planned. I haven't been to a movie by myself in ages. I haven't read a really good book in months. I haven't written anything - never mind anything I liked - in ages. I'm 34 years old, I haven't traveled yet, I haven't finished the one book I desperately need to finish if I'm ever going to sleep all the way through the night, I haven't learned enough or read enough or thought enough, and heaven knows I haven't written enough.

It's spring again, and it's time for my annual panic attack. So I'm going to set some little goals for myself, baby steps, little things, really, and after that I'm going to ask for suggestions.

1. Finish the first draft of my novel (in progress for at least the last 10 years)

2. Go to the Met Museum by myself for no reason (ie. no visiting out-of-town guests to drag along)

3. Find a new book that ISN'T a mystery

4. Take a weekend trip (haven't done that in years) by myself (haven't done that EVER)

5. Blog regularly (at least once a week)

Now I need suggestions, and I'll take anything - what do those of you who, unlike me, haven't been living in their own vacuum for the past 34 years, suggest I do this spring/summer to widen my mind and broaden my horizons?

I'll take anything you've got. I'm not saying I'll do it, but I could sure use some inspiration.

And chocolate. Send me chocolate.

A Little Less Conversation and Zero Action

I've experimented with the possibility of becoming a nanny this past summer. I've learned a lot about myself during this experiment, but primarily I've learned that while I continue to adore "my boys" (the four-year-old twin boys whom I've known since birth, who will be known in future posts as the Diva and the Daredevil), while I would care for them, fight for them, defend them, possibly even die for them, there's no way I could be their full-time nanny. This is because Bill Cosby was right when he said that you can't simply give a child a request and expect to get results. You have to send a barrage of words after them before you can get them to do anything.

Don't get me wrong - I love these children dearly and always will, but if I have to say any of the following things one more time, I may have to end my own life:

"Don't hit your brother. Stop hitting your brother. STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER. I SAID, STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER! STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!"

"Sit down. No, over here. Here. I said here. Over here. Not over there, over here. No, HERE."

"Put that down. No, put it down. Put it down. Put it down where you found it, not on the floor. Put it DOWN. No, DOWN. PUT IT DOWN NOW. I said NOW. PUT IT DOWN...."

"If you do that one more time, you're getting a time out. I mean it."

"Catch up to us, honey. Catch up to us. CATCH UP. Stop lagging back there and catch up. I want you next to me, not behind me. CATCH UP CATCH UP CATCH UP... What part of 'next to me' is so hard??? I said CATCH UP."

This is how I spend part of my time. The rest of the time, I'm pushing a stroller with approximately 50 items hanging from it, including, but not limited to:

- The scooter that the Diva insisted he would use and love and care for until time stood still and the world ended (not his actual words), and then after five minutes of riding it announced that he was too tired to go on;

- The little beach chair that the Daredevil found at the corner drugstore on sale for two dollars and begged me to buy, and which he then immediately proceeded to use as a potentially lethal weapon on anyone who came near him;

- Various edible items, some of which are intended for me, but of which I will probably only get to eat one third before the other two thirds are claimed, others of which will be partially eaten and then abandoned;

- Whatever book I am currently reading, of which I will get to read one page before someone requests something to eat, falls down and requires minor medical attention (Disney-themed Band Aids, kisses, reassurance that the injured body part in question is, in fact, fine), announces that they have to go to the bathroom immediately, or requests that I be "It" in a game of freeze tag;

- Several DVDs from the local library, featuring characters such as "Elmo" and "Dora," "Bob," etc., all of which are destined to be replaced with similar items almost as soon as they're returned. There could be 3 DVDs in that bag, there could be 30. I'm usually too tired to count them, and;

- Wet wipes. There are not enough wet wipes in this world. There never will be.

I've realized that I will be ready very soon to go back to working with other adults, although part of the reason I was willing to try nannying was that I felt like I'd spent so much of my working life babysitting adults that nannying couldn't be much different. In some ways it isn't, although I have to admit that at no time did my former boss ask me to wipe his nose for him (I wouldn't have put it past him, though). And there is something about getting a detailed project or task done on short notice and getting it done well that can be very gratifying.

On the other hand, there are going to be many moments I'll miss after this summer. No adult boss could ever make me feel the way the Daredevil did one night after he'd given me hell about going to bed. He'd run, fought, climbed, yelled, kicked, shrieked, and giggled until we were both exhausted. Finally I sat down on the couch with him, got out my iPod nano, and let him cuddle up with me while we listened to all the most relaxing music I could find.

We listened to Sinatra, Sara Bareilles, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Sarah McLachlan, and Tracy Chapman. But it wasn't until we listened to Rachmaninoff's "Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini" that he asked, "What was that?"

I told him, and then I asked, "Did you like it?"

He looked up at me, snuggled into my lap a little further, took his thumb out of his mouth and said, "Yes - it's beautiful." Then he popped the thumb back in and asked to hear it again.

He fell asleep shortly after that and I tucked him into bed, the Diva having fallen asleep about an half an hour before.

I made sure they were both safe and secure, and I thought the same thing I've thought since I first held them when they were babies, the first time they fell asleep in my arms, the first time I saw them light up when they recognized me - the thought that no boss and no office will ever merit -

I will love you forever, wherever you go.

That, I'll miss.

The stroller, not so much.

Changes, Changes

Before I blog about anything humorous, lighthearted, or in other words, all things completely foreign to my nature, I think it's appropriate to share a short recap of the recent upheavals in my life, namely:

Losing My Old Grey Lady

My Old Grey Lady died two months ago, at the ripe old (for a feline) age of 17 years. I only owned her for 5 of those years, but we had a good run. If she'd been human, she'd have been a tiny old lady in white gloves, a pillbox hat, a cigar and a martini, but she'd still have been a lady.
Rest in peace, old girl. I miss you.

Adopting Mingus the Ninja Kitten

Mingus the Ninja Kitten showed up shortly before the the Old Lady passed away. He deserves at least one introductory blog post all on his own, so more to come. In the meantime, his current favorite hobby is climbing my back, regardless of what I'm wearing (or not wearing).

Being "Let Go"

For the first time in my life, I was let go from a job. Granted, I haven't had that many jobs - leaving out catsitting, babysitting, plantsitting, etc., I've had 4 office jobs total in my entire 33 years - but this was a brand new experience. This is going to figure largely in future posts, I'm sure.

The thing is, I'm not sorry. I'm not saying it wasn't a traumatic experience - because being thanked repeatedly for your hard work for 4 years and then being told one day that you're not right for your job and never have been is not exactly going to make a person feel like a potentially valuable employee for someone else.

But I did learn a lot over the past 4 years, some of which I'll be sharing.

The most important thing I learned?

Never trust a lawyer.

Ah yes, I remember it well...

It's been a very long time since I was here. Sometimes I feel like it's been a very long time since I was anywhere, but that's another post - probably several, actually.

Because of the kindness of (former) strangers, I'm back, blogging, trying to write, after a long absence - a very long dry spell for me. Plus, I'm about to start adapting to a major work-related life change (and that in itself should provide plenty of material for this blog. Some of it humorous, some of it practical, and some of it full of rage).

Here's hoping someone out there comes on the journey with me. But if not, I'm just happy to be here.

Damn Dirty Apes!

.... at least, I think that's what Heston said (or part of it). And in line with that:

- Damn you, Verizon. Your connection sucks, you continue to bill me for random things that don't appear to even apply to me, and you don't send me bills for ages and then send me big fat bills demanding payment for services I don't even use. I hate you.

- Damn you, television pretty boys! I think I'm past the point of the remotest bit of interest ... and then you reach out with your pretty eyes and suck me back in!!! (You'll pay, CW. Maybe not now, maybe not in the near future, but you'll pay.) I'm supposed to be above this stuff. Leave me some dignity!!!

- Damn you, pogo.com! You offer nine zillion versions of solitaire, word games, arcade games, and now you add Monopoly??? Is there a job out there that requires me to play this stuff for a living? Because I would be a millionaire.

- Damn you, Con Edison! I'm turning off lights, leaving off the A/C, sitting in the dark - cut me some slack! Unless my cats are turning everything on while I'm gone, I'm pretty sure you owe me money.

That's it for today. Carry on.